The Father Life
Jeff Foxworthy's Shtick Aimed at Stay-at-Home DadsBy Howard A. Ludwig, TheFatherLife.com Jeff Foxworthy's one-liners aren't sophisticated or thought-provoking comedy. But his signature "you might be a redneck" jokes are often funny. I decided to try my hand at Foxworthy's shtick. He's got the redneck market cornered. Thus, I chose to poke fun at stay-at-home dads (though many of the jokes apply to anyone who spends the majority of their time taking care of children).Here's how it's going to work. I supply the one-liners. You follow up with the punch line "you might be a stay-at-home dad." Here goes: • If pajama pants complete your outfit… • If you're surprised when you see moms from school wearing makeup… • If you regularly visit museums but never pay to get in… • If you rarely have more than $7 in cash in your wallet… • If once a week you hear someone say, "I want your job"… • If you wear your wedding ring to prove to other moms you really are married… • If your children follow a routine that makes penitentiary life look haphazard… • If you regularly shower after 10 a.m…. • If you can stare a misbehaving child into submission from across the room… • If you instinctually fast forward all the scary parts of your son’s or daughter's favorite movies... • If you've ever found naptime to be contagious… • If everyone at the grocery store knows your children's names… • If the sleeves of your favorite NFL sweatshirt regularly smell like spit-up… • If other people's children mistakenly call you "daddy"… • If you've ever looked at one of the Disney Princesses and thought, “that's one lucky prince!”... • If you've done the math to figure out the cost of each, individual diaper… • If in a room full of crying babies, you can single out the sound of your son or daughter… • If you're careful not to criticize your wife's parenting, and she's equally careful not to criticize your cooking… • If you haven't had a full night's rest in months… • If you've ever changed a diaper on the floor of the men's room while cursing the baby changing station in the adjacent women's room… • If people assume you're unemployed… • If an internal clock starts running from the time Dora and Boots begin their adventure until the time they sing, "We did it!"… • If you ask for a sample of American cheese every time you go to the deli… • If you know what a Gummy Vite is… • If you're pals with more members of the women's club at church and P.T.A. than your wife… • If you've ever turned down the baby monitor and turned up the television… • If you go to the bathroom in front of a curious audience… • If you think nursing bras are sexy… And finally (drum roll, please)…. • If you've ever looked the other way as your child eats something he or she found in a couch… Thank you. Thank you. You've been a great audience. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress! Howard Ludwig is a former business writer who traded in his reporter's notebook for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad. He can be reached at hludwig@thefatherlife.com. This article originally appeared in the April 2011 issue of Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. Copyright 2011.
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