Just for You/Parenting
Growing Trend: Grandparenting
When Older Generatons Pick Up the Slack in Parenting
In July, we discussed the issue of co-parenting. This month we're addressing a "parenting" issue of another variety. A recent study shows that nearly 13% of our readership is of grand-parenting age. Which begs the question — what do grandparents (and others of the same generation) gain from reading parent-oriented publications? The answer is a bit startling. The U.S. Census for the year 2000 reports that, on average, 56.3% of all grandparents in New York State provide long-term care for their grandchildren.
That figure falls slightly lower on the local level. In Monroe County, roughly 51% of all children being raised find themselves in the care of grandparents. Rochester residents Ethel Whitaker and Velma Phillips are two women of grand-parenting age who don't fit the statistical mold but who do provide on-going care for juvenile family members whose parents are otherwise incapable or absent from the home.
In Our Own Backyard
Ethel, 68, began caring for her great-grandchildren Donell (12), Shaliyah (8) and Jamel (22 months) after their mother died on Sept. 9, 2006. Jamel was delivered in an emergency C-section procedure and survived his mother who, at the time, was five and a half months pregnant. Jamal remained in the hospital for three months following her death. "We had to go to court to get a judge to sign papers to let me have the baby and the other two children," Ethel notes, adding that Donell's father recently moved close by and has been good about taking all three of them off of her hands from time to time. "It's a blessing for me and the kids that he can do that."
Ethel is no stranger to caregiving. She raised her seven brothers and sisters after her parents died. She's also "parented" two nieces, one nephew and a total of five grandchildren. For her, it's only natural to help raise her great-grandchildren. "The 22 month old is a handful. I can't remember my kids running around like this baby does. (He's) a challenge." So, she says, can be aging. "I sometimes worry what will happen to (the children) if something were to happen to me."
Velma, 63, is great-aunt and "Mommy" to her 7 and 5-year-old nieces, April and Janja (pronounced "Yahn-ya"). She has been caring for the pair of girls (who are the 1st and 2nd of seven children born to the same mother) since the summer of 2001. "My sister's daughter lives on the street," Velma explains, saying that her niece's drug addiction was leading to neglect. "The children walked around barefoot in winter and didn't have proper coats. They would go outside with windbreakers on."
Velma says that her niece entered a drug rehabilitation program after having another baby taken away and put into foster care. It was then that she was asked to raise the girls. "But," she adds, "this was supposed to last six months to a year." Six and a half years later, in the winter of 2007, Velma called the Catholic Family Center for help. She needed legal and financial assistance and received it. The retiree, who lives on a fixed income, says the strain of raising two young girls was taking its toll. April is SSI-eligible and the household receives a non-dependant grant to cover the cost of basic care. But those resources don't meet all of the children's needs.
"April was born cocaine positive at birth and had to be detoxed," Velma reveals. "Developmental evaluations show she has ADD, cognitive impairment, fetal alcohol syndrome and behavioral as well as psychological issues. I don't have the background to know what to do and how to deal with all of that."
Why They Make it Work
Both Ethel and Velma say they face many challenges in providing on-going care for the children (i.e. food, shelter, clothing and finding recovery time of their own) but are quick to point to the perks of doing so. "Every few hours the children will say 'Grandma, I love you!' The smiles on their faces are wonderful. I think they keep me a little young, too," Ethel explains. "They're really good kids and help (me) a lot. It's rewarding to go to their schools and see what they've done. Shaliyah is an honor student. She won a citywide poetry contest and her poem is being published soon…and it's rewarding to get up in the morning and hear them say things like 'Good morning, Grandma!', 'Let me help you, Grandma.' or 'Let me cook you breakfast!'"
"Janja is hyperactive. One day with these two and you'd be ready for bed," Velma says as she nods in the child's direction. Janja beams at the mention of her name, flashes a wide smile and runs off to continue playing in the family's backyard with April. "I'm not working now due to a disability but I'm already busy. And there's no relief. But they throw their arms around me, hug me and say 'Mom, I love you!' And I love them to pieces."
The hardest times come when the children want or need something that can't easily be provided. "Each year it gets better," Ethyl confesses. "(Donell) loves milk and cereal. Sometimes I get skim milk and mix it with regular to make it last a little longer. I worry about drugs and all of that and talk to the children about it so they know what to do. The school's good about that, too.
"The first thing I'd say to someone else," Ethel advises, "is 'Pray (that you do the right thing)'…and 'Never be too proud to ask for a little help'. If this is a new situation, it can be a challenge. The children are used to one way of life and one set of rules. You have another set. Have family discussions. Set your guidelines and make sure they follow them. I have rules and lists of things they have to do when they get up-like wash their face and brush their teeth."
"Know that somebody out there will help you," she adds. "My doctor seems to understand that I need to talk, unburden myself and vent sometimes. You need someone you can go to and talk to. I went to a counselor. She talked and then I'd talk. I've just had so much (happen) at once and I can't talk about it to the children. You need someone you can talk to about your problems."
Velma agrees and points out, "Support services aren't plentiful. I'm not a grandmother but I'm of that age (group). I thought I was alone until I met other people in my situation. There are a lot of them. Without help," she says, "it's as if dominos are falling down around you. It's a nightmare." That's where, for her, the Catholic Family Center figures in. "The (CFC) provides a real service."
Velma was issued a food voucher and assigned a service manager through the CFC's Kinship Care Program. "It's hard to navigate the system when you don't know what doors are open to you." Ethel agrees. "The best (resource) I've found is the Catholic Family Center. I called and let them know I wasn't Catholic but was asking for help – and they (gave) it to me. I needed dressers to put the children's clothes in. Their things were lying all over the bed. I had dressers inside of two weeks."
"I consider myself blessed; even under these circumstances," Ethel says. "I strive to give the children everything they're missing in life – a normal life, as best I can. I see too many kids going wrong. I'm trying to give them some normalcy. I know I can't give them everything but I'm trying to give them half of it. They're happy. To me, that's all that matters!"
Christine G. Adamo is a staff writer for Genesee Valley Parent Magazine.
This article originally appeared in the September 2008 issue of Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. Copyright 2010.
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