The Parable of the Jealous Princess
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a beautiful princess with her father the king and her mother the queen. The princess was at her leisure among the vast riches of the castle, free to do and say as she pleased, when she pleased, save the king and queen’s intercession. The princess lived this way in great happiness for a very long time, enjoying the royal family’s full attention, showered with gifts, and confident in the knowledge that she was the exclusive heir to the throne.
Days and weeks and months passed this way, blissfully, until one sunny afternoon a stranger moved into the castle, a little boy even smaller than herself. A baby. At first the princess found the infant cute and cuddly and she enjoyed his antics. But something wasn’t right. She found that the king and queen were no longer at her beck and call. Toys and furniture long forgotten, but hers’ nonetheless, were presented to the intruder as gifts. Worse still, the child was not leaving.
This was no visitor, the princess determined. This pint-sized prince meant to stay! And so the princess grew angry at the intruder, and even wished him harm. Other times she was angry at the king and queen who seemed distracted and weary and irritable themselves. And she was sad, and lonely, and jealous of the attention the prince commanded; attention that had once been hers own.
The wise king and queen soon realized their daughter’s distress. They saw her anger and her sadness and her envy and they taught her that her feelings were O.K., though they stood firm on what behaviors suited a child of royalty. They consulted their wizard and understood that the princess’s clinginess and fears, feelings she’d outgrown months before, were a normal part of adjusting to the change in their lives. They devoted special time to the princess and taught her how to help the young prince and soon, all was well again in the kingdom not so far away.
Our first born children often become jealous princes and princesses when they are faced with dividing their tiny kingdoms with a new brother or sister. Anger and sadness, envy and regression back to behaviors you’d thought they’d out-grown are common and expectable outcomes. Your jobs as caring and competrent parents, the king and queen of your child’s world, is to help the whole family adjust to this wonderful and drastic change as easily as possible. Consider these suggestions:
Tell your first-born as soon as you are sure.
Don't let your pregnancy become the mystery of mommy's expanding tummy, and don't create a situation in which your first-born might overhear bits and pieces and reach the wrong conclusion. Many are the children who learn that mommy is going to see the doctor again and assume the worst.
Children of any age can begin to understand what is happening as soon as you are confident that you are having another. By two years old, most children can begin to grasp the idea that a baby is growing inside mommy. Talk about this idea often, make pretend games up about the new baby, and be sure to remind the child that you will still be there for her, too.
Involve the first-born in planning.
Help the older child develop a sense of pride in becoming a big brother or sister and to learn the skills associated with that role. Depending on the child's age and strengths, you might reasonably expect her to eventually help feed or bathe or dress or rock the new baby. In teaching her these skills, you are spending valuable time with her, showing her your pride, building her self-esteem, and helping her to redefine her niche in the family.
Beware, however, of the dangers of "parentifying the child." A parentified child is one who has given up her childhood silliness and sense of adventure in order to become a younger sibling's caregiver. Let the child help with caregiving, not become the caregiver!
Expect strong feelings and regression. No matter your preparations, everyone in the family will have strong feelings about the arrival of the baby, your older child (like the jealous princess) no less than anyone else. Be sure that she knows that any feeling is o.k., even rage. What matters is how she chooses to express these feelings.
Expect your older child to alternate among feelings of love and protectiveness, rage and hatred, overwhelming jealousy and uncontrollable resentment. Its o.k. for her to feel these things, even to confess them to you or scream them as she is beating up her pillow or scribbling black crayon in a coloring book or clinging to you in ways she hasn't for many months. Validate these experiences and help her find acceptable outlets ("Yes, its o.k. for Barbie and Ken to send their new baby back to the hospital. No, we are not going to do that with your new brother.")
Remember that young children commonly lose newly acquired, more mature skills and resume old behaviors in response to stress. This process is called regression and represents one of the few means of coping in a young child's tiny arsenal of coping strategies.
So what do you do with a four year old who wants to resume wearing diapers? Or a three year old who wants to resume using pacifiers shelved more than six months before? First, keep in mind the child is trying to cope with stress. Help her find the most mature way to cope that she can handle (e.g. Pull-Ups instead of diapers? Can she talk about what she's feeling and why she has this need now that baby brother is home?) Second, avoid making these requests into power struggles. Most times it will be better to let the child regress, all the while rewarding more mature behaviors, than it is to start fussing or arguing (or worse: humiliating!) about the behavior. Regressive symptoms that don't spontaneously go away with time or those which appear without an identifiable precipitant should be brought to the attention of your pediatrician or mental health professional.
Create a family routine including special time with each child.
Routines make the world predictable and secure. Routines create a rhythm to family life that encourages growth and security.
A routine will help everyone in the family. Learning the rhythms of feeding, light and dark, and bodily functions is one of your new borns first chores. This same pattern will help your first-born understand when you are available and when you are not; it will help her predict when she can have your undivided attention and when she can not.
Plan special time with each child, including a predictable “date” with your first born. When the time arrives, put aside everything else and devote your full attention and good humor to her needs. Remember to play on her level. Unless she is specifically asking for you to teach, this is not a time for lessons. This special time should not be something that can be taken away for misbehavior. This is the princess’ dearly coveted opportunity to have you all to herself.
In the end, whether or not you have a royal wizard to consult, try not to let the sleepless nights and new aggrevations and the bills and work and the princess tugging on your pant-leg demanding your attention make you forget the wonders and joy each of your children bring to the family. Put aside the anxieties and fatigue long enough to share in their wonder as they explore the kingdom.
Dr. Benjamin Garber is a frequent contributor to GVP.
This article appeared in the March 2008 issue of Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. Copyright 2010.
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