Parenting

Parental Peer Pressure: It's Not Just Kids Who Feel the Push to Conform

By Kathy Sena

These days, “everybody’s doing it” isn’t being uttered just by pre-teens trying to cajole mom into allowing an unsupervised afternoon at the mall. As the mother of an 11-year-old son who isn’t allowed to see PG-13 movies yet, I’ve had my share of awkward moments when other moms tell me I’m being overprotective:

“Oh, I’ve seen (fill in the blank), and the language and violence aren’t that bad. And the sexual parts just go over their heads, anyway.”

Then there’s the line I heard from several parents when my son was in second grade, and half the kids in his class were already coming to school talking about the PG-13 movies they’d seen: “My son has an older brother, so he’s already seen all this stuff. There’s not much you can do about it.”

Fortunately, I’m not alone in feeling like the odd mom out at times. “My daughter’s taking dance lessons and I think the moves and the costumes are too sexy for a young girl,” a friend tells me. (Some parents asked that their names not be used here.) “The other moms just laugh and say ‘it’s cute!’ I don’t want to be a prude, but…”

“YOUR MOM WON’T LET YOU DO THAT?”

Sometimes things can get downright pushy. “The mother of one of my son’s friends was very persistent about my son walking from her house to ours alone,” another friend tells me. “She also thought the boys should be able to play at the park by themselves. It wasn't so difficult for me to say no, but she proceeded to tell my son that ‘It really would be OK, but your mom doesn’t think you’re responsible enough yet.’ Oh, thanks!”

Many parents say they feel like they’re back in middle school themselves as they try to deal with the fallout from being (seemingly, anyway) the lone parent in their group who won’t buy the latest teen-rated (or worse) video game, who won’t let their third-grade daughter make phone calls to boys or who won’t allow their 11-year-old son to hang out on myspace.com.

ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

It takes a determined effort to not just go with the parenting flow, says Nancy Franklin, who has a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. “We've developed the very embarrassing habit of calling the parents of our kids’ friends and meeting them face to face,” she says. “We try to get a sense of what goes on at their house. Do the parents stay at home and supervise when their kids have friends over? Are there older siblings? Have the older siblings ever been in trouble? Is the liquor cabinet locked?”

“All tough questions — but we ask them,” adds Nancy’s husband, Joe. Are other parents busy calling the Franklins’ home on a similar mission? Not so much. Unfortunately, the Franklins are in the minority when it comes to sticking their necks out, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill; 2006). Many parents are afraid of appearing too strict or of not being one of the “cool parents,” she says.
“Parents don’t want other parents to view them as overly protective. They fear gossip that says they are micromanaging and directing their children’s lives,” Newman explains. “And many parents are so overscheduled, they don’t have time to look into whatever the issue might be. It’s often easier to go along with the crowd and not be seen as different or intrusive.”

SWIMMING UPSTREAM

Holding the line on spending is also a challenge when it seems like every parent on the block is buying her kids the latest gadgets. “So many of my sons' friends take their ‘things’ for granted,” says Elizabeth Crane, the mother of two boys, ages 13 and 9. “I live in a pretty affluent place, while I myself am anything but. My kids' friends all have cell phones and iPods, they all vacation in exotic places and they seem to get whatever they want whenever they want it.” Crane says she feels pressure “to conform to what my peers think is the way to live. My parenting mission is, I think, harder because I spend so much energy going upstream instead of with the current.”

Newman says some parents are afraid other parents will feel they are judging or disapproving when they refuse to allow their children to have or do the latest thing. “Parents, like their children, want to part of the group — often at any cost or sacrifice to their values or pocketbook,” she explains.

INCREASING STAKES

Parents often feel pressured by other parents to overlook drinking as kids get older, says Newman. “If your kid goes to a party, for example, and you call the parents to see who will be there to chaperone, whether there will be alcohol, etc., you’re often made to feel like an oddball for even calling.”

But given the tragedies related to underage drinking (not to mention those associated with drugs and early sexual experimentation), parents must rise above the worry about what someone else’s parents may think, she notes. “Concerned parents must be involved, even if they think they will ‘look bad’ in the eyes of other parents or their own children,” says Newman.

Of course, many parents realize the importance of sticking to their guns, even at the risk of being (temporarily, they hope) unpopular. “But even those parents who don’t care so much about being included, liked or thought of as ‘good guys’ do worry that their offspring will be left out or will feel left out. That they’ll be labeled ‘not fun’ because of parental rules and regulations,” says Newman. “But if, as a parent, you feel strongly about the values you want to instill, you will, at times, have to buck the crowd.”

“The worst pressure we've had is from a dad who wanted our daughter to go on vacation with him and his daughter,” says one mom. She and her husband decided that their daughter couldn’t go because her grades were unacceptable and she was going to go to summer school. “The dad asked the ‘What if she did this....?’ question over and over. But we told him that saying yes would let our daughter know that she didn’t need to do her best work and that she could do just the minimum required at the last minute when there was a reward involved,” she says. “He's finally gotten the message, and our daughter has realized how serious we are about not backing down from our expectations.”

STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

As parents of younger children, sometimes we can learn a lot from a parent who has already been down this road: “Over the years, I’ve found it helpful to tether myself to other women who have the same ideas about parenting that I do,” says Ellen Cajka, the mother of a college-aged daughter and another daughter in middle school. “Sometimes it’s more like a lifeline than a tether!” she laughs. “It’s also nice to have other parents to talk with who aren’t necessarily the parents of your kids’ best friends,” she adds, noting that these parents can help you look at the ‘dilemma of the day’ a bit more objectively.

Also, it helps to remember that we’re all human, notes Cajka. “I’ve made mistakes and bent to peer pressure,” she says. “Then I re-evaluate and go on from there. It makes me remember what my daughters go through every day in living with peer pressure in their own lives.”

Kathy Sena is an award-winning freelance writer who frequently covers parenting topics. Visit her blog at www.parenttalktoday.com.

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