Sweethearts Stationed Overseas: When a Parent or Loved One Goes to War

By Bozena Robertson, Ph.D.

Whether absence truly does make the heart grow fonder or the unavoidable absence of a loved one simply provides ample time to miss them, one thing remains true – we simply do. Add to that the fact that your loved one is going or has gone off to war (a serious event which impacts all aspects of normal life) and emotional distress levels begin to run even higher.

Preparing for Separation
Prior to departure, parents must talk to their children about why the family member must leave, where they are going, what they will be doing once they are away and when they might expect to see them again. The stressors of sudden separation can instill fear and concern in both children and adults, but very often families and children gain strength and learn new coping strategies that allow them to adapt to future unexpected events.
Take heart in knowing that learning to cope with sudden stressors can help you prevent behaviors that hinder functioning at home, in school or in the company of others. Adults need to assure the children in their care that their safety, security and well-being are always a priority. Families and teachers should pay vigilant attention to how children are behaving in school or with friends.

Coping During Deployment
Children of a deployed loved one tend to worry more and be afraid and sad more often than their peers. During wartime, a separated child's perception of a safe and predictable world may be endangered. Children need adults to help them work through their fears. Here are a few practical guidelines adults should follow when addressing their children's concerns:

1.Allow and encourage your children to talk about their worries concerning the war or the loved one who is deployed. Be truthful and honest in your communication; children know when things are being hidden from them. But be careful to not overburden your child with too much information.
2.Communicate with them in a language they understand. Younger children tend to be more concrete. Preteens and adolescents are in the midst of developing more abstract thinking patterns and concerns about the world. Choose the method that best fits your situation.
3.Encourage discussion about feelings. Children want to be heard and understood. Encourage yours to express their feelings and be willing to express your own. The more you open up, the more secure they will feel.
4.Provide ample reassurance. Be hopeful about the future. Instill in your children the knowledge that they are loved and safe.
5.Develop creative ways of coping. Work on scrapbooks together. Organize in-school discussions. Join forces with other families by forming a support group for children of deployed family members.
6.Involve their school(s). Schools should be alerted whenever a student's parent or loved one has been or may be deployed. This helps them be vigilant about noticing and addressing sudden changes in the child's behavior or performance. They may also be able to provide you with assistance or help you identify resources within the community.

(Source: "Talking to Children about Going to War" by Ilona Pivar, Ph.D.)
Recognizing Young Stress & Worry

Children who have experienced losses of any kind may be especially sensitive to changes in their perception of safety. The following is a list of signs which indicate increased stress in the child of a deployed family member:
• Increased irritability
• Tearfulness and/or prolonged sadness
• Anger toward others (particularly minority or ethnic groups)
• Fighting with others
• Difficulty sleeping, with or without nightmares
• Clinging behavior (refusal to go to school or leave your side)
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches, etc.)
• Unexpected aggressiveness toward a family pet
Overall, pay additional attention to your children. Be watchful for changes in behavior that seem, in any way, unusual or out of step with their usual routine.

Bozena "Bo" Robertson, Ph.D., is Vice President of Clinical & Supportive Services at the Veteran's Outreach Center, Inc. She can be reached via e-mail at bozena.robertson@veteransoutreachcenter.org

This article originally appeared in Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. Copyright.

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