By Shannon M. Dean
Don't expect any alarms to go off when you turn your back on the things you once loved as much as your children. Most parents are unaware of any conscious decision to put their pre-parenting dreams on hold. It's easy to ignore the persistent tug at your heart as you rush past the tennis court, pass open mike night, or pack away party china. You may excuse your shorter temper or ignore your dwindling patience, refusing to connect the dots between neglecting yourself and the negative consequences that follow.
Reprioritizing or dropping "frivolous" dreams and pursuits is the natural response to growing obligations. Shouldn't family be fulfilling enough? And can't solo joys be revisited once children are older and careers more solid? Experts say that smart parents who spend even small amounts of time pursuing their own, individual happiness enjoy immense benefits for both themselves and their families. Taking time for yourself, they say, is not a selfish act, but one that's necessary to fuel the fulfilled, happy parent who demonstrates self care and doesn't tell her children to follow their bliss while ignoring her own.
Find Bliss Everyday
It may be hard to remember what set you on fire way back when. But what (other than your children) makes time literally stand still? You'll know when it crosses your mind because the mere thought of it will bring on strong emotion. "We let our dreams lag because our over committed lives make them seem impractical," says life coach Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction (Tarcher). This thinking seems logical but is limiting: filling your to-do list with only monotonous items you must accomplish leaves little time for what you really want. Such backward thinking can lead to a life of desperation lived by a grumpy, even resentful parent – the exact opposite of what you want for your children.
Once you've defined what's missing, take small steps to incorporate it into everyday. Remember that time spent on yourself will be immensely beneficial to those you love. When inevitable thoughts like "I should be using this time for something more productive," start to invade, know that this time is in fact very productive because you'll have more energy and enthusiasm for your family and for everyday tasks like preparing dinner or leading a meeting at work.
Revise Your To-Do List
No one thinks there is enough time in the day, but almost everyone has a routine from which they can borrow time. Maybe you flop in front of rerun TV after putting your children to bed or are on countless overlapping committees. Perhaps you're schlepping kids to extracurricular activities neither of you enjoy out of habit instead of usefulness. Ruthlessly reevaluate every single thing on your to-do list and question whether each deserves its place there. Which really enhances you and your family's life and long-term objectives? Which truly necessary items must be done by you alone? While you're at it, explain to your family that you'll be taking daily time for yourself. If you sense a bit of resistance, reassure them that they won't be abandoned or negatively affected. Once they witness how much more cheerful, patient and loving you are after filling yourself up, they'll understand that sharing you benefits everyone.
Stay the Course
Many people find that over time, saying yes to yourself and no to unworthy requests becomes easier. It's common to develop a false sense of security with a sudden urge to start adding back more commitments out of guilt. Resist getting back on the treadmill to nowhere. Instead, build on your successes. For example, if you're a photographer who's enjoying your camera again, consider entering contests or being published. Keep moving forward by doing more of what's already working.
Remember that recharging your spirit and defining yourself as something other than parent, spouse, or caregiver makes you a better, more authentic version of yourself. "We lose ourselves because we are afraid of being selfish, but when we turn around and take care of ourselves, we actually become much happier and more generous," says Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way (Tarcher). And a parent who demonstrates the necessity of pursuing one's heart's desire in the face of everyday commitments is teaching her children a life-defining lesson. Your family deserves one hundred percent of the real you, not half of an impostor rushing around to accomplish things that aren't truly important. If you've been putting off pursuing your own interests thinking this denial is necessary for family life, accept that this assumption may not be serving you or your family. Instead, consider discovering and following your bliss, knowing that your benefited children will follow.
Shannon M. Dean is a freelance writer who specializes in writing about families. Her son recently enthusiastically replied "Cool mom!" when she confided her dream of writing fiction.
