The honeymoon is way over. You’ve got one child clinging to your leg, and another screaming for some unexplained reason. You can’t remember the last time you sat quietly by yourself with a cup of tea, let alone the last time you and the man who helped you create your offspring gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes uninterrupted. Well, it’s time. It’s doable, and you deserve it. Here’s how to put the magic of romance back into your marriage.
Trick #1: Let Go
You’ve nursed, swaddled and sweated for months or even years to ensure the well-being of your children. Too often, because children are the number one priority, parents forget or lose track of the quality time they spent together before having children. Further, if you haven’t made it a habit to take a break, letting go can be tough. But remember, re-connecting on an adult level with your partner isn’t only fair it’s normal and necessary to ensure a healthy marriage.
“Date night is something my husband and I covet,” says Lydia Court of Pittsford. “It’s so important for us to be able to talk about things that have nothing to do with the kids—even if it’s only an hour or so each week. Having pleasant conversations on adult topics reminds us that we have a bond that extends beyond our children, and we nurture that,” adds Court.
Letting go is also good for your children. They need to learn independence and coping skills. They also benefit from taking direction from a different authority figure. If letting go is really difficult, take baby steps yourself. Maybe it’s having your neighbor watch the kids while you and your husband take a long walk. Maybe it’s a trip to the mall or salon without the kids in tow. Start small, and you can work up to a weekend away. Authors Barry and Emily J. McCarthy, authors of Getting it Right the First Time: Creating a Healthy Marriage (Brunner-Routledge, 2004 $14.95) note, “Your marital bond needs time, attention and nurturing. You are not shortchanging the children. The best gift to a child is parents who have a healthy, stable marriage.”
Trick #2: Ask for Help
“I haven’t been on a real ‘date’ with my husband since a company holiday party two years ago,” says Gretchen Meeks, of Farmington. Her greatest obstacle is that her 8 year old son has a disability that makes finding competent care more difficult than hiring a neighborhood teen with first aid certification.
“I’m not sure who to go to for help, especially with no other family nearby,” says Meeks.
Meeks situation is more complicated than most, but one solution can be applied to any parent who is apprehensive about asking for help. If you do have family close by—take the leap. Ask if mom or dad would consider taking the kids to a movie. That’s an easy two hours of solace to share with your partner. If you don’t have family, or you have special needs, your child’s classmates’ parents and school district can be a wonderful resource for finding care. Take your child’s class list of phone numbers and call parents. Ask them who sits for them. Your neighbors can also offer ideas about who they rely on.
Trick #3: Make a Plan
While a last minute reservation at your favorite restaurant may do for a reprieve from the parenting grind, take the opportunity of time alone with your partner to plan out something special. Maybe you both love hiking. Once you’ve gotten the caretaking set, make a plan to do something you both enjoy. The magic of romance doesn’t have come with rose petals, champagne and a hot tub, (although who wouldn’t like that?). Sometimes the simplest plan can make your heart skip a beat.
“When we were dating, my husband and I used to love touring the wineries,” recalls Katherine Randall of Rochester. “It had been 8 years since we’d been down to the Finger Lakes, and I decided to make a weekend out of it. We stayed at our favorite little motel that’s still down in Watkins Glen. Just talking about the memories was so romantic!” adds Randall. Planning is important if you are going to be away overnight, or at some distance, as caretakers will need more resources such as emergency contacts—so planning matters.
Trick #4: Wax Nostalgic
Romance doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. Scheduling an evening with friends, neighbors or colleagues for dinner, or just a short cocktail hour at a local restaurant gives you a chance to further engage in adult conversations that are mentally stimulating or even simply entertaining. What forms of entertainment do you and your partner share, and where did you go before you had children? Get tickets to the orchestra. Revisit the art gallery that you haven’t walked since they wheeled you out of the maternity ward. Stop to smell the roses—literally, with a visit to Sonnenberg Gardens this summer or Highland Park—and don’t forget to hold hands while you stroll. Take the Mount Hope Cemetery tour. Colorful conversation brought you together. That will spill over as you head home. Just the re-connect you are able to enjoy away from your children is enriching for your relationships, and it will show.
Trick #5: Don’t Put it Off
If you’ve noticed a disconnection between you and your partner, or a break down in communication, ask yourself when the last time you had some good quality time alone together was. The end of the evening after the kids are down doesn’t count—you’re both exhausted. Don’t put off scheduling some time alone. The longer you wait, the more distance you may put between you and your partner. Let go, ask for help, make a plan, wax nostalgic, and don’t put it off. Your marriage will be stronger and healthier for it.
