By Myrna Beth Haskell

You're very likely to be on the phone engrossed in an important conversation when a tug at your arm or a voice of desperation pleads for your attention. An ocean could probably be filled with the number of parents who have been interrupted while on the phone. It's always during an important conversation, too - such as while trying to give an appliance delivery man directions or a neighbor a description of the stray dog that keeps relieving herself on everyone's lawns.

Whether you are on the phone, in the shower, or involved in an intense conversation with your spouse, your child will find the most inopportune moment to ask you to watch him do a cartwheel, or to tell you that his sister won't stop pinching him on the arm.

Why do children always seem to need us when we are preoccupied with something else? In their book, Good Behavior, Dr. Stephen Garber, Dr. Marianne Garber and Robyn Spizman explain, "There's one major reason why children interrupt. They want your attention now. Like most other behaviors, interrupting is a habit children learn to use because it works." A child's bad habit of interrupting can be cured, but it will take a considerable amount of patience. "The hardest part of the cure is keeping your cool during the learning period."

Parents need to be patient and consistent when teaching their children restraint - and that's what interrupting really is - a lack of restraint on the child's part. It is particularly difficult to teach this to very young children who tend to be more spontaneous and needy.

Acknowledge Your Child's Presence
Most experts agree that simply ignoring your child won't work. Your child needs to know that you realize he needs to speak with you or he will continue to try to get your attention.
Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N., authors of several well known pediatric books, including The Discipline Book concur. "The more you try to ignore the tug on your skirt, the more persistent he is." So the challenge becomes showing your child that you see and hear him while you respectfully continue on with your conversation.

Garber, Garber and Spizman say that you must always show your child that you are interested in his needs. They suggest giving a signal when you can't respond immediately. "Arrange a signal that indicates your recognition, such as holding up a finger or saying, 'Just one more minute.'" However, they also warn, "Make sure you don't keep the child waiting ten minutes. You are in effect, building her trust. At first, pair the gesture with words so that the gesture alone will then have meaning for her."
This is difficult. Some parents may say "just two more minutes" to their children and - in a flash - it seems that fifteen have gone by. This is an integral part of the training. Your child must trust your words for this to work. If your child truly believes that you mean "two minutes" when you say it, he will be able to wait. If he has learned that it's really going to be ten or more, he will easily get frustrated and revert to improper and ill-mannered tactics.

For a very young child, this process can seem daunting. Sears and Sears say, "Children under three can't understand what 'don't interrupt' means. You'll save yourself a lot of wasted energy by momentarily stopping your conversation, squatting to your child's level, looking him in the eyes, and finding out what he wants. A few minutes of focused attention will usually pacify the most persistent youngster." They also suggest that you find convenient times for anticipated long conversations, such as when your child is napping or asleep for the night.

For the toddler, an accessible drawer filled with fun things he doesn't normally play with can keep him occupied for a while. A small pad of paper, a durable photo album (those made specifically for toddlers), or some colorful Tupperware and wooden spoons are always good choices. It's a good idea to keep a small portable supply of such items for use when you are away from home.

Teach Your Child to Wait
The younger child will only be able to wait a minute or two. Give the "signal" you have chosen (remember - consistency is a critical part of the training), then wait 30 to 60 seconds before interrupting your conversation and tending to your child. After a while, extend the time. Doctors say it's important to gradually lengthen the time between signal and response, as well as praising your child for waiting.
Sometimes it is a task, not a conversation, which you are in the middle of when your child demands your attention. Garber, Garber and Spizman suggest that you use a timer. "Set the timer yourself or let your child set it for a certain length of time. When the bell rings, be sure to carry out your part of the deal."
It's all about building your child's trust and letting him know that you respect him and care about his needs, while also helping him to understand that there are rules that must be followed. It is pertinent that you practice what you preach. Don't interrupt your child when he is in a conversation with someone. Use the same methods that you have taught him for reinforcement.

Teach Your Child to Interrupt "Politely"
Of course, there are those times when your child will need to interrupt no matter what. Maybe he feels sick and needs to use the restroom or she cut herself on the playground equipment. Children need to be taught that there are times when it is okay to interrupt. Therefore, children must learn to use appropriate phrases and behaviors when interrupting is necessary.

"By age seven a child can develop a polite way to say, 'I have a question,'" Dr. Sears and Martha Sears explain. After the child has interrupted your conversation with an appropriate "Excuse me," she needs to learn to wait for your response.

Garber, Garber and Spizman suggest that you use role-play techniques with your child. Enlist family members to act out various scenarios so your child can practice polite interrupting behaviors. "You can also role-play inappropriate behavior, playing the annoying interrupter yourself and letting the child see how that feels," explain Garber, Garber and Spizman.
You may need to remind yourself that it will take patience and perseverance on your part, and that it takes some children longer than others to learn the art of restraint. Even some adults haven't mastered the skill. There probably have been times when you have been deeply into a conversation with a friend when another adult interrupts quite abruptly. This just goes to show that the art of graceful interrupting is difficult to master.

Learning to be a good listener, and to interrupt only when necessary and in a respectful manner takes practice and astute social skills. The earlier your child learns these skills the better off she will be. After all, we want to raise our children to grow up to be good listeners who have mastered all the intricacies of proper social behaviors, right? Well, we can desperately try to anyway.

Myrna Beth Haskell is a freelance writer and author living in Salt Point.