A man is charged with sexually abusing two 4 year old girls at a Rochester area day care center. If your own child was a victim of abuse, would she know the right words to describe exactly what happened? For this reason, and others, officials in Monroe County and other local agencies are working to help you teach your children that using the right words to describe their body parts is not wrong, should not be embarrassing, and must be an essential part of their early learning.

From the moment of birth and until we die, we are sexual beings. We need information about that development all along the way.

To help children develop healthy perspectives about their bodies, it is critical for parents to be aware of the messages their children receive. While it is not "new" news, it is good to remember that kids are curious and will get information wherever they can. Parents can actively participate in helping their children learn about their bodies so they don't fill the information void with less reliable and potentially more dangerous influences.

In the early stages of development, parents have a greater opportunity to influence their children's attitudes about their sexuality then at any other subsequent age period. Children from birth to 5 years are learning a lot about their sexuality and parents are laying the groundwork for trust and openness for future discussions about sex.

All of this is important for the child's emotional well-being and for the child's physical safety. Children of this age should be able to use the correct terms for all of the sexual body parts of both male and female. Just like it is important that a child know to point to their knee or wrist when it hurts, it is also important that a child can do the same for their sexual body parts in case of sickness, injury, or abuse. Just like a hand isn't a "grabber," a finger isn't a "pointer," a penis isn't a "wee-wee."

How it all Works
What is happening to children from birth to age 5 that impacts their sexual development? What can parents do to help? Very young children begin to explore their body. Their body is new to them and they are trying to figure out how it all fits together and how it all works.

Consider this: A baby is lying on the changing table and suddenly his toes float into view. They are grabbed, held, sucked and cuddled by the baby. They are getting a lot of nonverbal information about what is pleasurable and what isn't. A parent's reaction to their baby's pleasure, even at these early stages, is very important and conveys a lot of information to the baby. Adults should encourage exploration and provide their baby with as much positive touch as possible. As your child grows and moves from a non-verbal to a verbal stage, they are trying to organize their own bodies and to make sense of them.

The Name Game
By age 3 or 4 children are at a very concrete developmental level. They are very interested in organizing and naming their body parts that they discovered during their non-verbal stages. As language develops, children need a vocabulary to deal with all body parts if they are going to be able to communicate their needs. By age 4, most children can name their hands, feet, legs, cheeks, nose, hair, etc., and have played many games of "Simon Says" in order to practice naming or categorizing all of their body parts.
But, often their sexual body parts are either unnamed and ignored or given euphemisms. By this age, children should know the proper names for all of their body parts including their sexual body parts.
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that children as young as 4 years old ought to know the following:
• The proper names of body parts including sexual body parts
• The function of those parts
• The physical differences between boys and girls
• That interest in genital organs is healthy and natural
• No one, including close friends and relatives may touch their "private parts." The only exceptions are doctors and nurses during a physical exam or a parent when they are trying to determine the cause of pain.

How You Can Help Your Child
First, try not to be embarrassed if your child asks you a question about sexual body parts or about the difference between boys and girls. Answer their questions in a direct uncomplicated manner. Remember, he or she is only trying to categorize and gain a set of useful vocabulary so that they can understand themselves and others.

A mother of a 3 year old asked her doctor if it was alright to be naked in front of her son as she was getting out of the shower. Like most kids that age, her son was curious and asked her questions about her body. The doctor suggested, "Listen to your internal voice and do what makes you comfortable." He told her that if she felt comfortable, it was a wonderful time to use that opportunity to simply answer her son's questions honestly and directly. He commented further, "But, if you feel uncomfortable, that is ok, too, because you can always use a book to show him different body parts."

By Definition
Learning the proper names for sexual body parts is also the first step in helping your child if they are the victim of sexual abuse. For a child to seek out help, they will need a vocabulary to help them convey their message.

When a child doesn't have a name for something, they often can't "own it," and, therefore, protect it or tell someone about what has happened. If a child feels ashamed about part of their body, it becomes easier for the abuser and harder for the victim to come forward.

Mary E. Whittier, Executive Director of the Bivona Child Advocacy Center says clear definitions are crucial. "It's important to teach children the correct terms of their genitalia, just like we teach them the correct terms for other body parts. If a child is a victim of sexual abuse, it may become confusing for them to identify what has happened if they know their 'private parts' as something different. Additionally, when we call the vagina a 'cuchie,' the message we are sending is that we are too ashamed or embarrassed to say the word 'vagina.' Body parts should be spoken of without shame or hesitation when educating our children."

Parents can help their children develop a positive attitude about their bodies and can begin to give children control over their bodies by giving them a vocabulary as well as the positive attitude they will need to protect and enjoy themselves. If they can't name it or feel bad about it, then they can't protect it or nurture it.

Rick Bartell is the Regional Director for Education and Outreach for Planned Parenthood of the Rochester/Syracuse Region. If you would like more information about talking to your kids about sex call 1-866-600-6886 or you can email Rick directly at rbartell@pprsr.org