By Victor M. Parachin

Leslie Moore of Rochester makes no bones about the fact that she has endured two failed marriages. And despite how painful the processes and transitions have been for her, she beams when she talks about what she gained in the unions.

“I have three beautiful children, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world,” says Moore.
The statistics remain—nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. So how do you achieve confident single parenting? Here are some guidelines.

Family Matters
Build on the fact that you are a family. Do not let negative attitudes from other individuals to diminish the understanding that you and your child or children are a family, even though headed by a single adult. Don’t buy into the falsehood that as a single parent you are an aberration or not the norm. Doing so will only make you feel isolated, alone and different. Take heart from these words of wisdom written by Marge Kennedy in The Single Parent Family: “Yes, single parent families are different from two parent families. And urban families are different from rural ones, and families with six kids and a dog are different from one child, no pet households. But even if there is only one adult presiding at the dinner table, yours is every bit as much a real family as are the Waltons.” Whether your situation is the result of divorce, death, never marrying, desertion or adoption, you are family!

Dispel Myths
Don’t be intimidated by single parenting myths. Too often the media cite stigmas concerning single parenting. Many people are quoted in various media blaming the country’s rising crime, violence and other social problems on the fact more children are raised in single parent homes. This stigma is usually propagated by half-truths, false assumptions, unexamined data and prejudiced viewpoints. Children from single parent homes are not doomedto a future of failure. The truth is that there are all sorts of single parents courageously and wisely raising many well adjusted children who are a credit to their parent and to the community. Consider this experience from a single mother who recently wrote advice columnist, Dear Abby. Signing herself as A happier family than many, she explained that her 15 year old son’s best friend was forbidden to play with him because the youth is being raised by a single mother. They have told their child that it is a bad thing and that my son will end up in trouble because of our circumstances. Statistics prove it.

Astounded that anyone could be so cruel and uninformed, the mother went on to describe Mother’s Day for Dear Abby and readers: My day began the night before, with a simple yet special dinner cooked by my son, who paid for and brought the food home from the store on his bike. Mother’s Day morning began with tiptoes to allow Mom to sleep a little longer while my son cooked a breakfast of eggs, warm pastries and hot coffee. Along with a sweet present, he also gave me the gift of a hard day’s work to help me with projects I had wanted to tackle. The day ended happily with an evening together at home, with kisses and “I love you, Mom,” before bed. That mother, rightly proud of her son, concluded her letter: “There are many wonderful children from single-parent families. Children should be judged by who they are, not by some ignorant generalization.”.

It Takes a Village
Just because you are a single parent, don’t feel you have to do it all by yourself. Remember the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Reach out and let your “village” help you with raising your child. Consider the positive example provided by one single mother. “I became a single parent when my son Kenny was 2. I had to work and Kenny was raised by a “village.” My mother, grandmother, father, brother, sister and friends all took the time to play an important part in his life . . . I am proud to say Kenny, now 13, is an incredible person - an honor student, athletic, musically talented and popular among his peers. I frequently receive compliments from teachers and other parents about how polite, kind, respectful and well mannered he is. When I hear those words I tell them I wish I could take all the credit but my son is a ‘village’ child.”

The lesson: let other important adults in your life become equally important in the life of your child. Included in that extended “family” grouping may be grandparents, other adult siblings, a coach, religious leader, an aunt or uncle, teacher, close friend, etc.

Find support groups for your child. “When my dad died, it felt like my life fell apart,” recalls one 14 year old boy. His friends at school and his soccer team kept him going. The guys at school were there for him. The soccer team got him out of the house for practices and games and made him feel a little more normal. Take advantage of the many organizations in your community which are devoted to youth enrichment. If your child is not involved, assess his or her interest in a group such as Scouting, school clubs, church youth groups, and athletic teams which include a wide range of activities such as swimming, roller hockey, volleyball, baseball, basketball, football, lacrosse, gymnastics, martial arts, etc. Belonging to a group helps children in these ways:
-- Confidence building
-- Providing positive activities
-- Establishing new friendships
-- Connecting with other caring adults
-- Present opportunities for releasing emotions
-- Receive support and understanding from peers

Respect Matters
Be respectful toward your ex-spouse. This means you must avoid bad mouthing and criticizing a former spouse in front of children. It also means that you never use the children to hurt an ex spouse. Dr. Woititz explains: “If you are divorced you may be very angry. It is tempting to use the children as a way to settle scores and even to deny access. Your children need to be able to connect with both parents . . . unless being with their non custodial parent puts them at risk from a condition such as active alcoholism, denying them time with their parent is not in their best interest . . . If the non custodial parent stays involved, everyone benefits.”Moore agrees.
“I make a conscious effort to ensure a healthy relationship between both my ex-husband and the children. Even though our adult relationship didn’t work out, I want them to have strong bonds with both of us.”

Family Life
Finally, show a positive attitude about your family life. Be thankful for the gifts and blessings which come to and from your family. In her book, Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change, Barbara Colorosso says, “When we offer our children our time, our affection, and our sense of optimism, we help them find a way through their own adversity, grief and sorrow. They learn that they, too, can take an active part in determining what they will do with what life has handed them.”