By Gina Roberts-Grey

Playing with neighborhood children or classmates seems like an innocent and ritualistic aspect of childhood. When you send your child to a play date or invite a friend to your house to play, it is natural to assume your child will be protected and remain safe. Few parents suspect that while interacting with neighbors and friends their child may become the victim of some type of sexual, physical or mental abuse administered at the hands of a peer.

Victimizing other children as a result of abuse, anger, mental illness or behavioral issues happens more than parents can bear to imagine. According to statistics collected by National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, thirty to fifty percent of child abusers are under the age of 18, and ninety five percent of children with sexual behavior problems were also victims of prior sexual abuse. Additionally, the 2003 version of the National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect explained that “incidences of children abusing other children; either physically or sexually is steadily increasing.”
Although it is uncomfortable or unthinkable to imagine, the reality is that too many children are falling victim to some form of peer abuse. Whether trying to protect against an unexpected potentially abusive situation or intervening in a harmful situation, being able to recognize the signs and symptoms of abuse and abusive tendencies will empower you and your child.

What’s the Difference?
In addition to instilling the importance of your children not talking to strangers, or checking references for coaches, babysitters and care-givers, it is important to understand that abuse can result during a neighborhood barbeque or play date at a friend’s house. “Abuse comes in many forms at the hands of a variety of abusers. It can be mental, emotional, sexual or physical,” says Licensed therapist and national certified counselor, Kathy Boyd, MA.“There is a difference between children who engage in ‘normal’ or healthy sexual exploration and those who cross the line of abuse,” says Boyd.

When she was only 7 years old, Lisa Turner convinced her then 4 1/2 year-old neighbor ‘Nathan’ to ‘show each other their private parts. Suggesting they perform inappropriate touching acts on each other, Turner manipulated the situation by issuing scary warnings such as “if you tell you mother we did this, something bad will happen,” and “we shouldn’t tell anyone about this because they won’t want us to act like adults”. “At first, we thought it was ‘normal’ childhood exploration until our son was having nightmares about the incidents, was withdrawing from other kids in the neighborhood and was becoming inexplicably emotional,” confides his mother Sharon. The situation was only compounded when Sharon learned that her son was not the only victim of this neighborhood abuse.
“It is common for young children to question or discuss body parts and functions or to even exhibit a curiosity to see private parts, depending on their age. It is not normal or common for children to force or pressure another child into these acts, to engage or attempt to engage or in any adult like sexual acts,” explains Boyd.

Sadly, this young girl aptly demonstrated classic signs of an abuser. “By attempting to control his or her victim, abusers often scare the person they’re abusing into submission or from confiding in a family about the abuse,” says Kristen Jaeger, a family therapist and social worker in Rochester.

A layer of protection
One of the best defenses against any type of abuse is consistent, concise communication balanced with education. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and acclaimed experts in child psychology agree on somemethods for keeping your children safe from abuse. Among some of the tips available on their website, www.missingkids.com, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children stresses that parents should never dismiss a child’s claims that he or she has been abused.
“Listening without prejudice is extremely important,” say both Boyd and Jaeger, “Don’t assume your child is making up a story, looking for attention, or trying to get someone else in trouble.”
If your child confronts you with any type of abusive situation, take every suggestion of abuse or discomfort seriously and follow-up with a candid conversation. Ask questions that involve determining your child’s level of participation and discomfort, and gathers as many details surrounding the situation as possible. “Listen to the answers regardless of how painful they may be,” confides Daphne Robins, Lisa Turner’s mother.

Involve teachers and school counselors in any abuse activity that occurs during school and never hesitate to confront a fellow parent if you suspect or are told of abusive actions that occurred in their home or at the hands of their child. “I wish that someone would have told me before the situation got out of hand and affected so many children,” Robins adds.

“Children also need to be made aware of such schemes or ploys,” Boyd adds. It is important to be familiar with the verbal and physical ‘tricks’ often deployed by abusive acquaintances such as threats that the victim will get into trouble by confiding details of the abuse.

Be sensitive to any changes in your children’s behavior or attitudes and pay close attention to a change in school performance or personality. Rely on your intuition about others and don’t be embarrassed to refuse to permit your child to interact with or be alone with a peer or friend if you have any doubts or concerns.

Gina Roberts-Grey is a freelance writer living in Baldwinsville.